Howl, because it's hard to be a family

I recently watched Spike Jonze’s film adaptation of the children’s book Where the Wild Things Are. I have to be totally honest from the get go. I saw the movie when it was in theaters years ago and I absolutely hated it. Here’s why. I grew up with parents who both worked very hard to provide for their children, however my mom was more consistently employed than my dad (she has worked the same job for over 21 years). My dad frequently read to my sister Tara and I before we were going to bed because my mom usually worked late. On those rare occasions when my mom made it home early there were two books she usually read to us and one of those was Where the Wild Things Are. She put on her monster voices whenever the wild things talked and it was such a positive memory for me of both being encouraged to be wild by my mother but also feeling safe with her beside me. Spike Jonze’s movie did not do the same thing. Admittedly the book is only ten sentences long so in order to make a two-hour movie one has to do a fair amount of inference. That being said, obviously Mr. Jonze didn’t feel the way I felt about the book. After a second viewing of his film however, my mind was changed.

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Spike Jonze presents a movie about why it is sucks to be a kid, or maybe, more accurately, why it is so hard to have to grow up. I think that at some point most of us came to a place, as children, where we realized we were small and our influence, if not our voice, was nearly inaudible. Some discovered this when their older siblings ignored them, others when their teachers ignored them, for others it was other adults and for the rest it was their very own parents. It seemed that what we said did not matter anymore. Our desires and maybe even our needs were suddenly not guaranteed fulfillment at the drop of a hat. And it was a harsh realization. In truth, I think that it is not that our own voice becomes smaller or less important but it is the realization that there are many others speaking and our ears are uncertain what to do with the new voices presenting their own needs. However, I think there is a very important reason we come to this stage of feeling small and unimportant and it is this: at some point in our life we need to move from being self-centered to being others-centered.

This is admittedly a subjective and retrospective study but in my experience very few people make this transition smoothly. The realization that we are not the only people on the planet with needs and feelings hits us unexpectedly when we realize that our desire for X does not mean our providers can fulfill that desire. Unfortunately, some people never make the self-centered to others-centered transition. Some that do take it really hard and convince themselves that no one wants to hear what they have to say and they become quiet, confining their voice inside their own head. Others take it to the opposite extreme and instead decide that it is time to say more and speak more loudly, as though making their desires most loudly heard will make their desires most important. Spike Jonze’s movie is about a troupe that fits largely within this last category.

At the start of the movie we see our main character Max building a snow fort and preparing snowballs for a snow fight. When the opportunity presents itself, he fires upon his sister’s friends who are considerably older. When they return fire with their own snowballs he runs for his snow-fort and finds safety there until his sister’s friends leap on top of it bringing the whole structure down. As the friends leave quite satisfied and smug, we see Max appear from the pile of snow that once was his fort and he is horrified. With tears rolling down his face and snot leaking from his nose he realizes that the fort, which he had so confidently trusted for safety, was no match for what the world had for him. I could not help but ask myself what my own snow forts are, but following that path would be tangential to our discussion. Suffice it to say, his world was crushed and for many of us events like this can be the catalysts for learning to leave self-centeredness behind.

After the snow fort incident we see Max’s resultant temper tantrum as he destroys some of his sister’s things, most important of which is a small heart made of popsicle sticks that he had made for her. Often our reactions to our world being crushed results in us quite literally breaking hearts in the midst of our rage because we do not know how to react to the paradigm shifts we are presented with. The day after his tantrum Max is presented with a shift too great for him to handle. His mother has a man over to the house causing her to unintentionally ignore Max. Max comes to his mother huffing and the ensuing argument climaxes in Max biting his mother. Realizing the weight of what he has done he runs away and eventually finds a boat in which he sails off to where the wild things are.

Max arrives where the wild things are in the midst of the wild things arguing amongst themselves and trying to convince a creature named Carol to stop destroying their homes. Amidst the argument, Max makes his presence known to the wild things and declares himself to be a king, a statement that has the entire wild bunch impressed. So, they decide to allow him to be their king because he claims to be able to keep “the sadness” away. (Though he does not explain this to the wild things, he intends to do this by bringing his own rules and way of life to the wild land.) Then the wild rumpus begins! We see Max and the wild things go running through the woods destroying trees, running into each other, throwing each other and causing utter chaos. It is during this initial rumpus that we begin to see that the wild things are not careful with each other and are even quite inconsiderate. As their oversized heads knock into each other we are reminded of the ways our own heads enlarge and we end up knocking into each other as we so forcefully try to go this way or that.

We see the self-centered attitude exemplified during Max and the wild things’ dirt clod war. During the war we see an all too familiar mix of “This is fun!” “I gotcha!” “Ouch!” and “Why’d you do that?!” Eventually, the goat-like Alexander (brilliantly voiced by Paul Dano) is clearly hurt by a clod to the back of the head. At this point he quits the war but still is not safe as another clod knocks his feet out from under him while he tries to get away. Spike Jonze hits the nail on the head as the scene makes us viscerally and tangibly feel Alexander’s heavy emotional pain as though we were in his shoes. Because the odds are we have been there. If you for some reason do not know what I am talking about imagine this:

This is that moment from your childhood when everyone was having fun playing dodge-ball until your big brother got you with the ball right between the eyes and everyone knows he did it as hard as he could and everyone stops because some say he was playing by the rules and others say he needs to apologize and in the middle… is you… You are hurt both physically and emotionally by your brother’s inconsideration and the added insult that almost hurts worse than the injury comes from the fact that he silently exudes self-justification and an apology would be insincere even if it were offered.

Spike Jonze takes us back to those feelings in ways that are uncomfortable to say the least. Even if we don’t have a particular memory to go with it, we know that feeling and the odds are we have been on both sides of it. This visceral reminder is important for us as adults because it is a feeling that we still cause in people today.

            When we prioritize our own needs, schedules, petty wants and laziness over the feelings and needs of others we become the older brother with the dodge ball or the fellow wild thing with the dirt clod. The difference is that these encounters rarely take on anything other than an emotional form when we are adults and the response frequently becomes animosity with which we try to cover up the pain we feel. For Max, he realizes that he has had everything his way and it did not lead to goodness, wholeness, or even any meaningful duration of happiness. He and Carol at one point long for a place where “the only things that happen are what you want to have happen;” a place where they can be kings. As they soon realize, however, “There are no kings, we are all just regular.” Even the most wealthy and powerful cannot have all that they want.

Towards the end of the film it is KW’s revelation that brings it all together as she simply yet poignantly states, “It’s hard to be a family.” It is hard, and if you have siblings or parents or anyone else you call family you are well aware. The most beautiful moment of the whole film, for me, was when Carol and Max howled together. It was the one moment when they were family as they let out their raw howls of emotion and neither cared what the other sounded like. It was a moment of childish beauty in the midst of the pain of growing up… and it was so right.

If I may, I’d like to encourage you: take off your crown, find your family and howl with them. Stay close to the ones to whom you want to say, “Please don’t go. I’ll eat you up I love you so.” Whether you believe in God or not, you will feel his love when you do.

Job's Response

I recently recorded a song for my wisdom of Job class at SPU. This song was unfortunately recorded with some substantial constraints on both time and quality because of the fact that a) it was part of a final project for my class and b) it was all recorded on my laptop mic using garageband software. The song is meant to be a response from Job to God's speeches about Behemoth and Leviathan in Job 40 and 41. If you would like to read my "Interpretive Statement," which is rather lengthy but which also details most of the rationale behind musical and lyrical choices, you can do so below and if you would like to hear the song you can do so here:  http://youtu.be/Ulv0OqsKD-Q

Interpretive Statement:

             My intention with the piece was to demonstrate what is going through Job’s head as he hears God’s speeches about Behemoth and Leviathan. While we hear very little from Job in response to these speeches I wanted to take what we know about Job and imagine from his perspective what it would be like to hear the speeches from God as a response to everything that has been said and done.

 It begins with the sounds of a storm meant to be reminiscent of the whirlwind from which we hear God’s speeches. After just a few seconds of the storm the listener hears a drum bringing a sense of ominousness to the piece and a sense that there is more going on than just a storm. Next a church organ begins playing a somewhat dark chord progression bringing the first bits of melody into the piece and the first interval one hears is a dominant seven which is intentionally used to bring a sense of intensity. This initial chord change also has no major or minor nature to it, this was done on purpose so that the piece would not necessarily feel sad or happy from the get go but would rather maintain a sense of intensity without giving any sense of implicitly happy or sad “feeling” just yet. I also wanted to use an organ to conjure images of the “Cathedral” God that one thinks of as inhabiting cathedrals with their elaborate paintings and giant organs. The alternative would have been an intense synthesizer which would have provided a certain cosmic aesthetic but which would have detracted from the more natural tone I wanted and would have not provided the same cathedral imagery. Finally a slow semi distorted banjo arpeggio begins acting as the “voice” of God. I was torn between the use of an electric guitar and a banjo but ultimately decided the banjo provided a more “earthy” aesthetic and since the speech comes to Job from a natural space (the whirlwind) as Job is sitting in the earth (dust and ashes) I found that to be more appropriate.

What nearly interrupts this intense and earthy speech from God is a frantically arpeggiated octave mandolin which moves back and forth between two minor chords and is meant to imply the chaos that Job feels as he considers what God has already said to him and realizes that perhaps this God is not who Job thought he was. After a few measures we hear the first words as Job realizes that he has “said too much and [has] not fallen on deaf ears.” What follows Job’s first stanza is a rather sorrowful mandolin solo, which ends with a single repeated note in a somewhat arrhythmic style meant to feel like almost like hitting one’s self in the head with the palm of their hand. This somewhat self-flagellating close of his first stanza is meant to show that Job has realized the foolishness of some of the things he has said.

Job’s second stanza is set against the same backdrop of frantic mandolin and is intentionally a little quieter. This time he quotes God’s words about Leviathan back to God but this time with a sense of reverence and fear highly mixed. In chapter 41 God has painted Leviathan as the most terrifying creature the earth has seen and says that no one reaches their hand out with hook, spear or any other weapon against Leviathan and that no one “dares upon the door of his mouth.” My intent was to show a shift from simple acknowledgement of Job’s own foolishness to him showing a degree of reverence as he considers Leviathan’s grandeur and realize that God’s is even larger.

Job’s third stanza shows yet another change in tone but one that is more drastic and, relative to what has already been said by him, rather unexpected. I decided to speak this stanza rather than sing it because I wanted to it to be understood as the most plain, straightforward speaking and expression Job does. He tells God that he has only spoken “his perception of the truth.” This statement is my way of saying that Job is simply calling it as it feels and trying to be honest with God. One might argue that throughout the biblical book he takes this to unfortunate extremes, but I personally find his honesty admirable and as such wanted to honor that in this song. The closing line of this stanza is easily my favorite line of the whole song: “if you can’t handle the way I see you, perhaps you should show me yourself differently.” This is meant to say that if God really does not believe that Job is painting an accurate picture or if he doesn’t like what Job is saying about him then perhaps he should operate differently in Job’s life. The statement is made with a hint of defiance that is meant to reflect his ten plus chapters of speeches that precede the brief humble one we find in chapter 40.

The next section of the song is meant to sound like a third party has joined in to the conversation (maybe angels, maybe the earth itself or the creatures on the earth) and this third party asks what is likened to behemoth, the monster of the sea (Leviathan), and the glory of the Lord. Each statement is primarily meant rhetorically and is intended to point to the fact that both God and the beasts have unimaginable strength and are far above human comprehension. Behemoth is represented by a deep intense drumbeat that is meant to imitate what the footsteps of a large running creature would sound like. Leviathan is represented by a highly distorted guitar riff played in an Arabic scale which, to western ears, provides a sense of intensity and a sense of mystery and I believe Leviathan is quite intentionally represented as both of these things. Finally, God is once again represented with the Cathedral organ but this time with an intense, whirling tremolo effect to suggest the whirlwind idea again and also to give the organ an aggressive sound.

After this we hear the voice of God for the first time. I modified my voice pretty heavily to make it sound particularly deep and authoritative but tried to avoid making it sound unnatural. When God speaks it is not with any clear emotion, which I think is true to what his speeches in Job are like. He states, as in chapter 39, that he knows “where all are born and where they go to die” and that he knows the ways of behemoth and Leviathan. I liked the idea of saying “all” not only because God mentions a diverse array of creatures in his speeches but also because I wanted there to be some sense that Job was included among the ones that God “knows.” He also states that he holds the only cord that could keep  “them,” the beasts, down. As has been pointed out God never says anything about his justice, goodness, mercy etc. in his Job speeches. He simply states that he is quite knowledgeable and quite powerful. However, I think Job also received some degree of comfort from the divine speeches and as such I gave God a pleasant major melody but over somewhat intense minor and dominant seven chords. This is meant to maintain a sense of God’s strength (via the intense chords) but is also meant to show that God is not necessarily infuriated at what Job has said.

The closing piece, which is the last verse and the portion that fades to the close, shows Job with some slight degree of satisfaction. I wanted the piece to have a sense of closure to it while still leaving some questions open in much the same way that the book does. Thus the closing phrase as the song fades “will you revive me?” This is absolutely a fair question for Job to ask when the chapters I am tackling come to a close because God has yet to actually address what has happened to Job. While I felt at times like closing with a cliché four chord progression felt a bit too much like forcing a happy ending into the song, there is also some sense in which the book of Job does close with a very happy ending as Job gets all his children back (in the form of new children) and all of his possessions are replaced two fold. It could be seen as a somewhat awkward end to the book and maybe an awkward end to the song but I hope it provides the feeling I am going for.

Holy Romantic Communism: epilogue to a mission trip

the call and the funds.

It didn’t make any sense to go to Brazil. $3,000 to go to a country I was not interested in, where I did not speak the language and when I could have gone somewhere else where I did speak the language for less than half the price. I did not want to ask for people’s money, I did not want to tell the practical people in my life that I wanted to do this and I did not want to ask people for money to go to Brazil when just eight months I had asked for funds to go to Peru for a medical service trip. I did not want to seem like a shameless wanderlust trying to leech on others to pay for his travels. But at the end of the day I knew I needed to go. Because God said so.

My first glimpse of hope that this trip was truly “meant to be” came the weekend of our first trip meeting when I had several seemingly random events provide me with enough money to make the $300 down payment for the trip (I committed to paying $1500 of the trip’s cost myself). The second glimpse of hope came a few weeks later when I received an email saying two different very good friends had contributed a total of $300. It seemed God was in fact going to provide.

Then I received nothing…

For weeks… and weeks.

10 days before leaving I was $1,000 short of what I needed to go and I told God that if he didn’t provide the money like he said he would, then I wasn’t going to go. But then that night I saw my chiropractor and he offered me $350 to do 4 hours of work. And then a few hours later a good friend got in touch and offered me another $240. The following Tuesday I received an email saying an anonymous donor had given $500 to my trip along with a few other smaller donations from other friends and family. At the end of it all God provided $250 more than he initially promised. So Monday the 13^th of August I was on my way to Brazil.

the value of it all?

The first week of our trip was “successful” for all intents and purposes. We all arrived safe, we all got along splendidly, we were all excited, we had unimaginable doors open for us and we saw people praying to receive Jesus. It was all fine and good, but soon I found myself wondering why God wanted ME there. I was not essential to anything that happened. I was not the one who prayed for anyone to receive Jesus, or be healed. I was not even on the teams that God used to open the unimaginable doors. I started wondering why God wanted me there.

It was obvious he told me to go. It was obvious he had provided people to fill in for my work and donors to pay the cost of the trip. What was not obvious was why he wanted ME there. I was already a few grand in debt and in addition to costing me $1250 the trip would have me out another $1500 from all the work I would miss. But then I met Henry.

henry & co.

Our main outreach tactic in Brazil was to perform a dance, followed by a drama¹ about God’s love and then a quick sermon. One day when we had the chance to do our little “routine” before a school I met Henry. We performed once in the morning and once again in the afternoon. After our second performance when we were being hauled out of the theatre and the students were being hauled back to class, Henry approached me and introduced himself. He said that he had been at both performances and had really wanted to meet me but was really bummed that he had to go and could not stick around to talk. As soon as he walked away I began to internally, verbally abuse myself. How could I have missed that? A “divine appointment,” so to speak, that I was completely unaware of. I spent several minutes treating myself like trash. Then I was informed that we would be going to a different part of the school to wait around while our leaders talked to the school’s principle. During our wait, I spotted Henry! Henry had about ten minutes before his next class started. The conversation and prayer that ensued were not remarkable in the usual sense, but they felt exactly right. He told me about his dream that no one believed in. I prayed for him to have a fulfilled life. It was simple but it was my first inclination that I was in Brazil for some very good reason.

A few days after Henry and the school, we performed in a rather large park where I met Luna and Clayton. Luna said she did not believe in anything while Clayton said he had a little belief, whatever that means. They would not let me pray for them but the conversation we had led to an excellent connection and I left feeling that I had made friends. That same day I met another fellow named Felipe who spoke enough Spanish to chat with me a bit. My conversations with Luna, Clayton, Felipe and Henry were my first inclinations that God did want me in Brazil. Not just “me” as in another person or another believer willing to pray. God wanted me, Kendrick Barnes, from Lake Stevens, Washington, to be in Sao Paulo Brazil at that time, with those people, doing those outreaches.

my first time.

Early on in our second week, as the realization that God actually wanted me in Brazil sank in, I did something I had never done before. I prayed with two men as they received Jesus². Leondo and Jorge. Right after doing the usual “routine,” I approached Leondo and Jorge to chat with them. They didn’t speak English but one of the women who had seen the play translated for me as I talked to them. They said they wanted to receive Jesus, so we prayed. Then I asked the woman translating for me if her and her friend would like to receive Jesus. They said they did and we prayed. As I prayed for Leondo and Jorge I laughed several times, I fumbled over my words, and was completely lacking in evangelical suavity. But that was my favorite day.

The point of a mission trip is not to come back with the biggest possible number of people who “got saved” or “prayed to receive Jesus” or “were added to a church.” The point is to be used by God to spread his love in a situation you would never have found yourself in if not for the fact that you were on a mission trip. The reason that that was my favorite day is this: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt (even more than when I talked to Henry and the others) that God had used me to make changes that will resonate in eternity. That’s the point of a mission trip.

impossible things.

The prayers I said with Leondo, Jorge, and the two women were not the only things done to spread God’s love in remarkable ways. Right after I met the four of them I also met a boy named Gusto. I do not know what physical or mental handicaps Gusto has but suffice it to say he is fourteen years old, about three feet tall, drools and was hard for the translator to understand when he spoke. He may also be the most beautiful child I have ever seen. Gusto couldn’t walk by himself so some others and myself helped him walk by giving him two hands to hang onto. Periodically we would help him jump and every few seconds a laugh would joyfully burst out of him. It was beautiful. Especially once we found out that his parents had rarely ever seen him so joyful. Broken, small, and hard to understand, Gusto was not a sight to behold. Despite this, joy bubbled out of him in an infectious manner and I could not help feeling that God saw me that way.

Despite an abundance of prayers, Gusto wasn’t completely physically healed. I, however, am confident that the joy he found that day was miraculous in and of itself, and may have even been more important than any physical healing.

A few days later we headed into one of the poorer neighborhoods of Sao Paulo to do the usual routine, which, it is probably obvious at this point, never had a usual routine for what occurred afterwards. We usually worshipped musically before performing the dance and skit and this day was no exception. Curiously enough, we usually had an audience form during our worship as well, though the intention was never that that would be a performance. That day in the poor neighborhood we had a much larger crowd than usual gather while we worshipped. They even clapped along with us. As soon as we finished worship we did the dance, skit and the gospel presentation. As soon as it all ended two of my friends made a beeline for one man who had been visibly affected by the skit. They talked with him for a while and soon asked if they could pray for his bandaged and broken knee. He consented. After their first prayer the pain reduced but he could not stand without feeling pain. After the second prayer he was running in place and was back to one hundred percent. He understood that God had healed him and he and the twelve people around him who witnessed the healing all prayed to receive Jesus. God set that one up nicely but it was not the only nice set up

It was early on in the trip that we had the chance to perform in the school where I met Henry and I would like to relay for you how that all transpired. In the process of inviting people to come see the skit one group happened to invite a school bus driver who was sitting outside of a school. He told them they ought to talk to the school’s security guard. The security guard told them they needed to go inside and talk to the secretary. The secretary told them they needed to talk to the principle and then called the principle down to see them. After my teammates explained why they were there the principle asked if they would be able to bring the drama to the school to perform for the fifteen to seventeen year olds. A drama about Jesus. To a public school. A school that happens to be one of the most prestigious in Sao Paulo. And after we performed the next day, twice, for well over 300 students, the principle told us it was the best assembly they had all year. You can’t make that kind of thing up.

a lion and a birdhouse.

Over the course of our trip we were expected to spend an hour a day with God by ourselves in the morning, this was a new and life giving practice for me. We were also expected to write an encouragement to someone everyday. On one particular day I received an encouragement telling me I was like a birdhouse: a place where the timid felt at home. That same note also told me I had a lion heart³. The trip started with me uncertain of why I had put so much money and effort into getting to Sao Paulo. The trip ended with me knowing that God is directing my steps and has set me up to be a courageous, lion-hearted man while simultaneously being a refuge for those who scare easily. God took me thousands of miles and dollars from home to use me for his purposes and to show me had a purpose for me. God asked me if I was willing to listen and when I said yes he taught me to be bold. God showed me that being obedient to him, even when the requests are rather audacious, results in lives changed, our own lives and the lives of those around us.

epilogue: holy romantic communism.

During our second week in Sao Paulo we visited two life groups.⁴ At one of those life groups God showed me two pictures. In the first I was standing before God’s throne, where he sat, looking quite approachable, and I was offering him everything I had. All my love, resources, talents, time… all of it. He said, “Thank you. I am going to take all of this and give it away.” I found this to be hardly an appropriate thing to do with such a generous gift. A few minutes later he showed me the second picture. I was before the throne again and he told me to come sit with him. As soon as I reached the throne I began to see a whirlwind tour of my life. First, I saw myself as an infant in my grandfather’s arms. Then I was a little boy sitting on the couch next to my dad while he read to me. Next I was talking about life with my sister Tara. Then I was sitting at a bar with my other sister Karissa as she bought me a beer. During the last part of the picture, I was in Brazil being prayed for by my friend Pete. I instantly recognized that each of these moments was God taking the love that people offered unto him and giving it back to each of his children. The picture I saw was a glimpse of how that had happened in my own life but I also understood that each person received enough love to last them through their life. He gave it back whenever he received it and the more people gave their love the less need for love anyone experienced.

Communism may never work in a political sense, but when the king of kings is dishing out love to every person to meet their needs it is a beautiful thing. It was in that moment, as I saw myself receiving love from all different people, that I realized my life was just one tile in the grand mosaic of the ebb and flow of the love of God. And now, in a totally new and different way, I know that I have received that love. And that I have plenty of it to give away.

p.s.

To the anonymous donor of five-hundred dollars,

 Thank you. This trip probably would not have happened with out you.

11     Specifically the Lifehouse “Everything” drama. Youtube it if you haven’t seen it. I watched it ten times in Brazil and it never got old. I nearly cried more than once.

22     Some people call this “getting saved” but I do not. Praying a prayer to receive Jesus into your heart and “getting saved” are hardly the same. No one really knows if they are saved. If someone tries to tell you that they are “saved” their theology is broken. Why do I say that? Faith and knowledge are not the same.

33     This was not the first time I had been told this, but it was one of the first times it had really sunk in. Thank you Michael Richards.

44     If you’re not familiar with the term life group, it is basically a small group. A gathering of usually 10-20 people that worship, read scripture, and “do life” together.

What makes a man?

What makes a man?

I once heard a pastor (Pastor D I’ll call him) complain about the men in his church. His exact words were that they were “basically chicks.” He said that the way church is run in our day is only appealing to women and children and that most “men” would rather be out playing or watching football or be working on cars than be in church. While I have my own concerns about men in the modern church it has nothing to do with them wearing sea-foam green sweaters, which seems to be a pervasive concern for Pastor D. My concern is that the anatomical men of the church are not being men of God, as I assume is also Pastor D’s concern.

My intention with this blog is in no way to criticize my brothers, nor Pastor D as his church clearly has a massive blessing upon it. Rather, I hope to put forth this question; what makes someone who is anatomically a man, a man of God? After being blessed to go to a men’s retreat last weekend and having the opportunity to talk with my very dear friend Zak about this, I have some speculations about the qualities possessed by a man after God’s own heart, which I thoroughly believe all men are called to be.

Integrity

One thing I will say for Hollywood heroes, in terms of the “manly” attributes they exhibit, is that the ones that most moviegoers really love and admire possess integrity. William Wallace in “Braveheart,” Maximus Meridius in “Gladiator,” and even, arguably, the McManus brothers in the “Boondock Saints” refuse to settle for what is easy and instead decide to do what they know to be right. While in some sense every man hopes to be this kind of hero in the sort of rebellious yet honorable warrior sense, most men instead find themselves with much more trivial villains in their lives. For example, whether or not they ought to fudge the figures on their tax reports or, maybe, if they should tell their wife about that little lust issue.

If a man wakes up everyday wearing a comportment that lacks integrity he will likely soon find it eroding, much like any creation that lacks integrity. While Nietzsche says, “It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation” I have not this to be true. I have found dishonesty in my own life to be rather viral in it’s ability to take an inch where only a mile is given. Soon I find myself lying about things not worth the trouble of lying about or lying about things that never should be lied about. Thus Nietzsche’s man of poor consciousness may find himself satisfied for a time with his bad conscience, but when push comes to shove he may find his equivocations undermining his good reputation.

If a man does allow himself to live with a dirtied conscious he will probably find himself dissatisfied when he looks into his bathroom mirror. These blogs (this one in particular) I find to be something of a mirror every time I write them. Reason being that I can’t ask someone else to listen to my words until I have done so myself. If a man cannot look himself in the mirror and see a man after God’s own heart how can he expect another to see him that way? Being real with one’s self is the beginning of real manhood.

Fidelity

Once a man has figured out how to be true to himself, he must learn how to be true to those closest to him. Fidelity is one of the most important traits any man can posses. My understanding of faith and family would lead me to believe that in every man’s life, God should come first, followed by his wife, and next by his children. After these three, how you align your priorities is your business. As such, a man should always put God’s desires and calling above the rest of the desires of his life’s influencers.

I find time to be one of the things that a man most needs to be faithful with. What a man spends his time on obviously represents what he values. Scripture tells us that were one’s treasure is, there their heart is also. In an epoch when “time is money,” one’s time needs to be spent very wisely. While I understand the immense pressure that is on men to be providers for their families, if a man’s occupation compromises his fidelity of time he may soon find it compromising his integrity as well.

Sexual fidelity is something that should go without saying as a huge form of faithfulness to one’s family. Porn and even “casual lust,” or allowing one’s eyes to wander where they shouldn’t, should be rejected both for the sake of keeping one’s self faithful but also for the sake of keeping oneself pure. In many ways sexual infidelity is also infidelity to God as it is a breach of one’s willingness to listen to God and therefore a breach in one’s integrity.

Courage

Courage I find to be a necessary supporter of integrity and at the same time an important counter part. Courage can be had without integrity, but integrity can’t be had without courage. By that I mean one can boldly do something terrifying with wrong motives and be called courageous, but one can’t have integrity without the courage to stand up for what he knows to be right.

Courage is undeniably a dead horse that has been beaten over and again by men’s ministries everywhere and as such I’d like to bring some fresh perspective to it. Webster defines courage as “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.” I disagree with the dictionary here because it says, “without fear.” Few men can decide to be without fear; every man can decide to have courage. Courage, I believe, is the force that pushes us forth in spite of fear. If you weren’t afraid why would you need courage?

It takes courage to stand up to the injustices around us and within us. As I said before, if a man is to possess integrity he must have the courage to follow through with what he knows to be right. Thus, courage is what makes integrity possible. When you find yourself uncertain of whether the repercussions of your honesty will truly be worth the gains in integrity and when fear starts to say, “what will happen when you tell them?” remember this, “the LORD does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7). If your heart is not right, do not hesitate to make it so.

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I implore you men of God, be men of integrity. Be faithful and do not fear the costs of your integrity, the rewards will outweigh them tenfold. Even now I find this to be a message to myself as much as it is to anyone else. Join me in trying to become a man after God’s own heart.